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Sunday 27 June 2010

Echoes of The Rainbow.

Watching a Chinese Film. And it had just made me realize what is like now, and what life was like then.

How much complicated it is now, when it can be so simple, so pure.
Everyone is looking at things in a much more complicated way, and to be honest, is it really necessary? Sure, money can help us solve some of the problems that we encounter, but would you have money without love?
Think for a second, what's the most important thing for you right now? Your boyfriend? Your money? Or some kind of possession? Or maybe, your hopes and dreams?
But have you ever thought about who? Who is it that stands behind you when all your dreams and hopes fail? Who is it that supports you and holds you when your boyfriend is no where to be found? And who is it, when you're broke, and you have no money, or you've lost something that you love so dearly that helps you to look for what you lost, or fund you when you need it?
Your family? That's what it is for me.
I'm thankful for them, without them, I'm worth nothing. They grew up with me. They shaped who I am today. They provided me with the education that I need to become a civilized human being and more. They supported me when I fell, they helped me up when I thought that was the last straw. And because of them, I am living today.

I don't know what I can do to thank my family, to repay them for what they did. Because they don't need repayment. I don't say that out of anger or rage. I say that because what they give me is unconditional love. No matter what you have done, they always forgive you in the end. No matter how horrible you have been to them, they'll always stand by you when you need help. Their love has no terms, conditions, or loophole.
I can't think of anything that I can do to show them that I love them too, except to love them back and hope that time can show them how I feel. And I know in my heart that that's enough. Because love, is all that anyone will ever need.

Love, is the purest, kindest and rarest emotion of human kind, and it's the type that can last forever.

Friday 25 June 2010

EPIPHANY.

I saw just watching a Chinese TV Drama, the last episode.

And I think, I had an epiphany. About happiness and what life means as a whole.
And most of all, about what I'm doing in my life.

Some people promise forever, and you want it so much that you believe, eat it up like you're starving. And you start to see it too.
The things that I'm doing, let's just say, I'm not actually sure what I'm doing.
I'm not sure about anything.

You see, the fact is, is that my perfect life consists of getting married, having children, and become the best mother that I can be. But right now, I'm with a man that I think I love, whom I'm not supposed to love, whom will never love me back. Needless to say, also hurt me countless times, who makes me lose control of everything inside, who made me want to kill myself so I could stop thinking.
But the truth is, we're not boyfriend and girlfriends. All he wants is his dominance over someone, and if that's what he wants from me, I'll do it. And I'll do it happily, because it's what he wants.
Honestly? From spending so much time with him, I can picture him with kids, I can picture us a home. I know that sounds really silly, but it's true. I can picture living with him.
The fact is, even though we want the same things now, and I know that you should live in the now. But eventually, things will get bent out of shape, and I won't want it forever, when I get to one point in life, I will want to start my real life, get married, have kids, and be a mum. I know that I can't have any of that with him, he's so sure that he doesn't want to get married, hell, let alone have kids.
I want him. I want him so much, that's why it pains me to not be able to picture a permanent future with him.

I remember, there was this once, when I was really really upset, and we've just half broken up. I almost killed myself. He had said nothing, the way I saw it, I thought it wouldn't matter to him either way, living or dead. And if I did kill myself, all it means is that I was a stupid stupid girl, and I was shaming him into guilt, let him live with this burden on his shoulder.
I don't know what to think of that, to be honest. I'm not sure what you call that.
But one thing I wouldn't call it? True love.
I thought he would care more if I did it. Guess not.

We're not really anything. Not boyfriend or girlfriend. No friends. Not family.
In other words, I'm confused.