EPIPHANY.

I saw just watching a Chinese TV Drama, the last episode.

And I think, I had an epiphany. About happiness and what life means as a whole.

And most of all, about what I'm doing in my life.

Some people promise forever, and you want it so much that you believe, eat it up like you're starving. And you start to see it too.

The things that I'm doing, let's just say, I'm not actually sure what I'm doing.

I'm not sure about anything.

You see, the fact is, is that my perfect life consists of getting married, having children, and become the best mother that I can be. But right now, I'm with a man that I think I love, whom I'm not supposed to love, whom will never love me back. Needless to say, also hurt me countless times, who makes me lose control of everything inside, who made me want to kill myself so I could stop thinking.

But the truth is, we're not boyfriend and girlfriends. All he wants is his dominance over someone, and if that's what he wants from me, I'll do it. And I'll do it happily, because it's what he wants.

Honestly? From spending so much time with him, I can picture him with kids, I can picture us a home. I know that sounds really silly, but it's true. I can picture living with him.

The fact is, even though we want the same things now, and I know that you should live in the now. But eventually, things will get bent out of shape, and I won't want it forever, when I get to one point in life, I will want to start my real life, get married, have kids, and be a mum. I know that I can't have any of that with him, he's so sure that he doesn't want to get married, hell, let alone have kids.

I want him. I want him so much, that's why it pains me to not be able to picture a permanent future with him.

I remember, there was this once, when I was really really upset, and we've just half broken up. I almost killed myself. He had said nothing, the way I saw it, I thought it wouldn't matter to him either way, living or dead. And if I did kill myself, all it means is that I was a stupid stupid girl, and I was shaming him into guilt, let him live with this burden on his shoulder.

I don't know what to think of that, to be honest. I'm not sure what you call that.

But one thing I wouldn't call it? True love.

I thought he would care more if I did it. Guess not.

We're not really anything. Not boyfriend or girlfriend. No friends. Not family.

In other words, I'm confused.